Going through a divorce or separating from a long term relationship is definitely one of the hardest things a woman can experience. If you’re a parent, you are now Mom, Dad (in some cases), and the provider. Not to mention, if you want to have a life and interests, you need to make time for those things as well and rediscover who YOU are! 

It’s important to know that you are not alone in this journey and there are plenty of women out there that can empathize and support you as you learn to adapt and thrive during this challenging time in your life.  It’s easy to despair because honestly- who signs up for this? Well, maybe some do. But, for the most part- it’s safe to say that the majority of us didn’t choose to be single moms.

I for one, thought that I was Cinderella when I got married. I never imagined my marriage would fall apart and that I would end up a 37 year old mom to a six year old boy in Hawaii. I mean who dreams of that? Maybe the Hawaii part but that’s about it!

What I’m sharing below are the steps that I took on my journey of moving on after divorce. I strongly believe that sometimes God allows us to go through things to help others. It was definitely not an easy road but it is possible to break free and heal. My prayer is that I am able to encourage and inspire those that are either contemplating moving on or have already made that decision. 

1. FAITH

Growing up as a Christian, I’ve always appreciated the importance of seeking God during difficult times. But honestly, this was the most desperate that I’ve ever been. I had been through break ups, loss of jobs, but loosing my marriage and having my “perfect family” broken up was definitely the hardest thing I had ever faced. Having my spiritual practice in place helped me cultivate a sense of hope even during the darkest times.

When I felt like I would not make it through, reminded myself that I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). This verse kept me going. I made a point of doing a devotional first thing in the morning and listening to workshop music before I went to bed. I also joined  a small group which was super scary but I acknowledged that I needed all the help I could get. Finding like-minded women in my local church who were going through the similar situations was extremely comforting and crucial to my healing process. 

2. ADRESS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Seeking a therapist was the easiest thing for me to do but I understand that it’s not always the case with everyone. If you’re coming out of an abusive situation, this is crucial to your healing and perhaps even your safety.

I didn’t realize how dire my situation was until I got a professional perspective. It was eye opening because sometimes when you’re too close to a situation, you can’t really see what’s truly going on. I will always be grateful to my therapist for her honesty and sometimes tough love tactics because I eventually found the strength to leave and developed a solid safety plan.

If you’re dealing with depression and/or anxiety, which is almost a given when going through a divorce or separation, again get help. Make it a priority not only for yourself but your kid(s). In order to show up for them, you need to show up for yourself. I know it sounds a bit rough but it’s the honest truth. 

3. HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

There is something about being in a difficult relationship or marriage that will suck the life out of you and make you go straight for those comfort foods that you know you shouldn’t eat. 

Although, over time I discovered the diet and lifestyle that keeps my body healthy, I definitely threw it out the window during the tail end of my marriage. Although I wanted to eat organic and consume more fruits and veggies, I didn’t. I ate whatever the kids were eating- which is usually not a good idea and I knew that I was doing the opposite of what I should. 

One of the first decisions I made as a single mom was to eat pescatarian and shop mostly organic. I made the extreme decision to get rid of anything unhealthy in my pantry, which definitely made it easier. I also stocked my fridge with fruits and vegetables. I made it so I had no choice but to eat healthy because that’s all I had! It sounds silly but it definitely took a mindset leap to get there. I was determined that my child and I would eat well and I made it work within my budget. If your budget is limited, just start with adding more fruits and vegetables. After a few weeks, it will become a habit. I can honestly say I have never turned back from this practice. 

A good way to start is with a healthy breakfast. By having a healthy protein packed smoothie and starting my day on a healthy note, it inspired me to continue making better food choices throughout the day.

My exercise routine is another thing that got compromised during the negative slump in my marriage. When I was a single 27 year old girl that had just moved got Hawaii, I ran 5 miles every morning. I also did Bikram Yoga 3x a week and biked everywhere. Needless to say, I was in top shape! After having a child and seven years of marriage, I was no where near that fit chick I used to be. I was determined to get as close to that as possible. As a full time single mom, going for a run at 5am was no longer an option and the gym did not provide childcare at that time. The loophole that I found was to exercise during my lunch break.

My job thankfully had access to a shower, so I would go the local stadium and run 3 miles every other day. I also downloaded a fitness app that focused on body weight circuit workouts called “sweat.” I also found that there are many free resources on Youtube such as “fitness blender.” Getting into shape did wonders for my self esteem and helped keep my mood up. For more inspiration on this topic check out my post about running!

4. GET YOUR HOUSE IN ORDER

Now here is my favorite part!

The first thing I did when I got separated, was get rid of anything that reminded me of my old life. After 7 Years, I Had accumulated tons of clutter! By bucking down and following a decluttering strategy I was able to achieve a peaceful organized atmosphere. If you want my home organization guide, check out my sister design blog!. 

Starting with a blank canvas allowed me to pour myself into my home design. This translated into: simple, beach inspired, comfy. It’s tough to be on your own suddenly. I’m not saying you need to buy all new  furniture because realistically that may not be in your budget. But doing a space refresh can do wonders for your mindset especially if you’re accustomed to making Home decor decisions around another person. If you need to get in touch with your style again, take my design quiz here for some inspiration.

No matter what your space looks like, two (2) must haves as a newly single lady are 1. A comfy bed to sink into after a long day 2. Some go to inspirational quotes and images to keep in touch with what inspires and motivates you- trust me you will need the daily reminders.

It’s so easy to sink into frequent pity parties, but having those visual reminders is key in reframing and renewing your mind daily. 

5. GET CREATIVE

And now my second favorite is getting creative. I can talk about this for DAYS but it’s SO important!

Creativity heals. I don’t know why but it just does. Now this is different for everybody. When I was freshly separated, writing was my thing. I journaled and wrote for hours every night. It helped get out the pain that was lodged in my soul. This then transformed into making crafts and now I’ve combined it with my business goals into a full fledged interior design coaching business.

But when pain comes in, doing a solitary creative activity such as writing or sketching helps process the pain and creates a release and something beautiful and tangible comes out of it! So I invite you to explore your creative side- and this is a no-judgement activity. Don’t think about if you’re good at it- what matters is how you feel when you are engaged with your craft. 

So, that about sums up my list. This is definitely not an exhaustive list but it’s my roadmap on how I was able to break free and start my healing process. I started with faith, addressed my mental health, and started a healthy fitness lifestyle. Getting my house in order was very central to my healing because I finally created an atmosphere where I felt safe enough to be myself and pursue the things that I was passionate about like design. Engaging in creative activities gave me an emotional release that was also central to my healing and continues to be today.

These positive habits will become solidified as you make an effort to be consistent and will soon lead to other healthy habits! 

If this resonates at all feel free to comment below!

Aloha Nui🤍